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Monday, December 5th, 2005
10:26 pm - yeah so just for the record
Thanks bunches (note sarcasm) to all the losers who contributed to that book. It's gay. You're all gay. Clearly, if you guys are that obsessed with me...I don't even know what to say.


(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
7:25 pm - that's where she lies, broken inside
I really like this song, even though avril is a semi-poser.

I just had such a good lesson. Even though it was like retardedly cold and junk. I heart the new bit we're using and he was just soooo good. I had a few moments of omg my brain just doesn't work, like this one combination that I did right five times and then screwed up for no reason because i'm retarded, but other than that really it was fabulous.

Muscial audition tomorrow and then the dance one on friday. woot. I know i'm not going to get the part unless no seniors try out for it, which of course they will, but w/e. I have another lesson tomorrrrrroowwwww. I have so much CRAP to do tomorrow and friday its i-n-s-a-n-e. And then the far cry party on saturday :)

and I have done NO shopping.


"she can't find her place
she's losing her faith
she's fallen from grace
she's all over the place"

current mood: accomplished

(starving for an argument)

Thursday, December 9th, 2004
5:11 pm - We turn our music down and we whisper say what youre thinking out loud
My mom suddenly decided to spaz out entirely, and as a result of this I couldn't go to my riding lesson.
This sucks, I reeeaaallly wanted to ride tonight. And it sucked having to call riley and cancell for the second time in a row.

I can't wait until afater school tomorrow because then this horribly long week will be OVER. I'm soooo sick of school, and I think it's like 9 days until christmas break starting monday, and I won't even be in school then thanks to FABULOUS things like traveling chorus trips to the mall. Gotta love it.

Hmmm. I have to start making cookies and junk but i'm really lazy. omg the Samantha movie is soooo good, lol, however childish it might be to love the American Girl movie. I cried at the end. It was just so adorable. I wish that had been out when I was little, back when I dressed my Samantha doll every day in a different outfit and took her EVERYWHERE with me.

I just analyzed 48 diatonic triads. I wish music theory work wasn't so much...work... It's actually really easy though, just time consuming, and time is one thing I don't have a whole lot of.

Mmmm. I just realized that I have my mom's credit card number and could just go on an internet shopping spree. But I won't. Because I am such a good person.


It's raining. I wish it was colder so it could snow, becuase I love snow.


"throw your arms around the world at christmastime"


current mood: busy

(starving for an argument)

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
7:01 pm - Do they know it's Christmastime it all?
Does Anyone?

SoOoOoOoOo BORED. I have a ton of English crap to do. Has anyone else not done journal entries in a million years? I never know when to hand them in and I always feel weird about it. And I have to fix the heading on my Crucible essay. B-l-a-h. I'm even too lazy to do that.

Dance was fun last night. We're finally working on both numbers for the recital so its allll good. I heart the jazz dance sooo much, and yeah, I even think I like hip hop. Today was all boring, boring school crap and then dance team, 20 minute break for wawa salad mmmm... and then chorale but it was only for an hour today (yay!). I have a ton of junk to do tomorrow and I have to meet the guy about VoD at night and doctors and student congress and other c-ra-p. I have like 4 lessons this week I think thursday-friday-saturday-sunday which means I won't be able to walk by monday but maybe i'll finally get the hang of "forget everything you learned about jumping before you came here." argh. old habits die SO hard.

So...my party is in three days. I have to do stuff. Have to start that junk, soon. Y-e-A-h.

Oh.And of course,history has become...
You know what. I'm not even going to go there. It makes me want carbs. Lots and lots of carbs, just thinking of it. There is no way I would have made it through today without that cinnamon raisin bagel. Most Definetly.


"And there won't be snow in Africa this christmastime" (is it totally horrible that this is my favorite christmas song?)

current mood: blah

(3 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Saturday, December 4th, 2004
10:34 am - Can I be here one more day until my sunburn fades away?
Oh it's so nice to be off the couch for the first time in two days.
I H-A-T-E being sick, living on juice and cough drops, and watching tv.
After watching Season 6 of Sex and the City in its entirety yesterday, I found myself actually caring about the patherically overprivellaged lives of Carrie,Charlotte,Samantha,and Miranda as well as Big and "The Russian". It sort of scared me, just a tiny bit. Then again, there was nothing else to do.

As an attempt to save me from becoming completely immersed in tv, my mom gave me one of my christmas presents early. Everything About Me is Fake..and I'm Perfect, by Janice Dickinson. Soooooooo good. And then we all watched the new Harry Potter and ordered pizza that I couldn't eat really late.

OOH! Semi-exciting thing, I found out that I got 1st place for the district for Voice of Democracy, so I get to go to the state thing in february, and if I win that then I go to nationals. I was actually surprised because I didn't think it was very good at all, but hey, i'm not complaining. It would be cool to win the whole thing because its a 25,000 scholarship, but i'm not going to get my hopes up or even think about it really, because then I know I definetly won't get it. But it's still cool just to have won this one.

Alright, i'm gonna go lay downnnnn...


"can I sell a sunrise
in return for a sunset?"

current mood: sick

(2 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
9:02 pm - We got older, but we're still young, we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up
having a blonde moment, talking about playing a game called "squares"

Socially Defiant: omg addictive
RinaKiki: telll me about it
RinaKiki: I like the round squares
Socially Defiant: lol
Socially Defiant: the round square?
Socially Defiant: ....
Socially Defiant: ?
RinaKiki: yeeah, the round one
Socially Defiant: lmfao
Socially Defiant: the round SQUARE?
RinaKiki: it lets you do cool things
RinaKiki: YEAH
Socially Defiant: THE ROUND, as in circular, Square as in box shaped ?
RinaKiki: omg
RinaKiki: Im so fucking dumb
Socially Defiant: lol
Socially Defiant: i heart you rina finn

I am pisssssed off. About my sucky governor's school portfolio, and my sister walking in the house saying...
"Carina I have an audition for a movie to be one of the andrews sisters and mom said to work with me"

What the fuck, am I a fucking acting coach now? She can fend for herself, it will be a cold day in hell I help these undeserving children with MY GODDAMN THING. M-I-N-E.

That sounds reallysuper bitchy and selfish. But I don't care. Because that's how I feel right now.

"Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over, now you can have the best of me"

current mood: bitchy

(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Monday, November 29th, 2004
12:35 am
The first semi dicent thing i've written in months. I guess I need an inspiration

How pathetically romantic
This thing that only feigns emotion
Raw and unbroken
And yet, every action screams sheer vanity
Beats it out with that pounding heart
To show how primitive this really is

Never have I felt a thing
So unjustified
Professed content only so you would be mollified
Suppressed disdain for the thought
Mind preoccupied
Shutting out the feel of it
Close lipped and hearted

Ripped linens and stained so
With invisible truth
With proof of the deed undone
In such a way so innocence remains
Quite easy to deny
Not so to defy the request
Suffice to say that I have done my best
To prevent this
To desist this


current mood: discontent

(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Thursday, November 25th, 2004
5:00 pm - Take my hand and we'll make it I swear...
hahaha what a great losing song...

Happy Turkey Day! :)
I am thankful for...
-wool mini skirts
-chocolate covered cherries
-Laguna Beach
-Shady 711s
-my new "Just Like Heaven" ringtone
-my friends, college vacations, and 5 day weekends
-the Ocean Gate Beach
-chai lattes
-mix cds

The mime was great yesterday...WoW is all I have to say. Where do they come up with this crap? My thanksgiving has been good, compared to previous ones. Went to the game this morning but left when we were losing 28-0 in the third quarter, lol. Last night was probably the most interesting night I have ever had. Ditched actual plans for a hunt for three very interesting things I will not go into here, but two of them are on that list and one i'm not going to put because...well...yeah. lol. I'm just not going to. Suffice to say that it would be unexpected of me. I love just driving around Bayville, and nights like last night are the ones that make me almost like it here. I felt like such a stupid teenager but it was all good.

Has anyone ever noticed that little kids around here are definetly doing things WAY earlier? I was at cool beans last night and there was like a troupe of south pole wearing ten year old teeny boppers with their "dates" acting like they owned the place drinking out of stewarts root beer bottles but chugging it like it was beer. wtf? When I was ten I was watching bill nye the science guy. What happened to kids in the suburbs being kids?


"The bj is the new american handshake" - Whit Johnston '80

current mood: full

(starving for an argument)

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
5:06 pm - 'cause we all need a little more room to live
The absolute bizareness that comes with the holiday season is beginning to take hold. Last night I woke up from being sound asleep at 1 am, walked downstairs, ate doughnuts from delicious orchards (of which we have a rediculous amount in my house right now) and then went back to bed like nothing happened.
The thing is, I love the presents (and present giving), christmas trees, new clothes for the various gatherings I am forced to go to every year, major sales, snow, et all, I hate loathe and despise the fact that one is expected to do nothing but eat from thanksgiving until after new years, when everyone promtly goes on crash diets to try to undo the damage done. Wouldn't it make a lot more sense not to do the damage in the first place?

So...Saturday I went shopping at my favorite place in the whole wide universe, Greenwich Village. After spending nearly an hour trying on a rediculous amount of jeans at Olive & Bette's (none of them fit), I left with legwarmers, a cute t-shirt, and an amethyst and rose quarts bracelet that is really pretty and I haven't had the opportunity to wear yet. I also got two really fabulous bags (no matter what Ben says) at this other place we passed on the way to the car. We had to leave super fast because Kayla's dance suddenly ended early. I indulged my somewhat morose mood at not finding a single pair of jeans that fit by way of a giant pistachio soft serve chocolate dipped waffle cone that you can only get at the Carvel on Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn.

Sunday, Cherry Hill Mall. Again, time was limited because I had a lesson @ 7, but I got a really cute skirt at Abercrombie and 2 sweaters and a tank top from H&M. Then we went to Bahama Breeze for dinner, which was surprisingly good for a chain restaraunt, and then off to my lesson. It was actually really good. I had a slight mental block about the triple at first, because I am severely retarded. I learned this by doing it eighteen bijillion times until I was so comfortable with it that I actually enjoyed doing it. And then I was actually doing really well until I fell of in the middle of one of my courses. But it wasn't even really falling because I landed on my feet, got back on, and then finished the course like nothing happened. That just made me feel even more stupid.

Yesterday was super boring for the most part. Dance was okay, nothing special. Liz was sick so Ashley taught our jazz and Megan taught hip hop. I think I was actually getting my illusions better. Today I was feeling kind of icky but I got through the day. Worked on my direct at mock trial for like an hour, and then went to chorus for ten minutes or so. Real Worlded with Jen for the first time in god only knows how long, which was fun and nostaligic and all that junk.

And now I am at home. And its super cold in my house and i'm super bored. I just burned a grilled cheese sandwich, so I put it in the microwave to try and save it and it just got even more fucked up. lol. maybe I should take cooking.


"It's to dying in anothers arms
and why I had to try it
it's to Jimmy Eat World
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star..."

current mood: bored

(starving for an argument)

Friday, November 19th, 2004
5:21 pm - I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life
I heart tap. It is definetly my fav. class. We started our dance today and im in the front the whole time and I get to act out a part in the beginning and stuff. It's coooooooooooool. And I LOVE the costumes too. :-D

The trip to see Twelfth Knight was awesome. And soooooooooooooo funny. LMAO "I'll pay your pleasure". Those guys we're so hot.

I want to ride. I haven't ridden all week. I have a lesson sunday night though. I think im going shopping tomorrow. Woot. I have Japanese food being delivered. I heart japanese food.


"when i'm with you I feel like I could die
and that would be alright

current mood: artistic

(starving for an argument)

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
8:07 pm - and now we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor...
I am feeling very...90s right now. For no reason really I guess well except that i'm all blah and the only thing that pulls me out of these particular blahs is Third Eye Blind and Verve Pipe and Edwin McCain.Especially Edwin McCain, since it reminds me of pre-med gorgeous boy that I met in florida at the concert almost exactly a year ago. And Full House re-runs until I almost think that Jesse is incredibly hot like I did when I was like twelve. Lol.

Dance. woot. Class last night and then at school today and it was all good. I wanna find out which production number i'm gonna be in. I kinda wanna be in the santa's workshop one just because being a snow fairy sounds like it could be fun in a weird juvenile kind of way.

School is insane. My mind is nowhere on it, and I know that it's junior year and the most important and blah blah blah but I can't seem to focus at ALL. Tomorrow should be a nice break thought. Trip to see twelfth night and then a lesson. I want to ride so bad but i'm not looking forward to 2+ hours of sheer pain and agony. And that's not an exaggeration, lol. But it's worth it, just to get to ride and hopefully do better than I did on Friday.

My house is freezing. There is some kind of crisis going on but of course no one will tell me what it is. So whatever, i'll just ignore them. I think i'm going to turn the heat up and go put on pants instead of shorts. And then go watch Thrills and Spills or something lame like that because I ran out of motivation to edit Pieces of Eden for my portfolio after two vignettes. I am such a slacker. I friggen invented sliding through honors/ap classes with absolutely minimal work and still somehow pulling off decent grades. Except when I realize that I am never going to get into a good college that way and go on one of my psycho accademicly obsessed rampages. My GPA could probably use one of those right now. Oh well. I'm not feeling one coming on.


"For the life of me
I cannot believe
we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshman"

current mood: cold

(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Saturday, November 13th, 2004
10:50 am - hold to the light that guides you, hold on to the air that cools you, hold on...
So. Thursday I had a lesson, which actually went pretty well. It was, challenging I guess you would say, and even though I didn't do everything perfect and I hurt sooo bad when it was over, it was totally worth it because I learned SO MUCH. We did flat and then grids for a little while and thenw orked on some lines and did a course, which I did clean, even though it wasn't the most organized thing in the world and I messed up on one or two turns. It was nice knowing that it WASN'T perfect, and that I knew exactly what I had done worng afterwards.
I had to wear my stupid aircast in school thanks to my stupid ankle, and then I had to take it off for tap and I couldn't find my soft brace so that wasn't exactly the most pleasant thing, but I did good, w/e, and we picked out our costumes, which I REALLY like a lot. I have ALMOST perfect measurements...lol, my hips are ONE INCH too wide. That's realllly annoying. thirtysix-twentysix-THIRTYSEVEN. lmao.

I had another lesson last night, woot, sort of. I somehow managed to get my aircast inside my boot and zipper it, how exactly I did this i'm not entirely sure. We worked on rein aids and junk on the flat and I got everything and did it but five minutes into my flat, if that, I thought I was going to DIE. The brace definetly helps my position but it hurt MAJOR. But whatever I dealt with it. And then I dealt with it while I was jumping, and I knew in my head what I was supposed to do but I was making stupid mistakes, which piss me off even more than huge ones. Like at the redwhiteandblue spread fence the first time I just wasn't looking right, and then my brace hit my saddle weird and my foot came out of my stirrup and so I didn't take it even though I should have, and then I took it right and on my way to the last fence the top of my brace got stuck against the saddle and I couldn't move my leg. We still took it fine but if he had pulled nething I would have been screwed.

ugh. someone is here to look @ the house. im out


current mood: cold

(starving for an argument)

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
9:02 pm - If love is a labor i'll slave till the end...
I am so sick of school. And school related everything. Student Congress is pretty high on my list of things that I am not cool with right now. As is chorale/drama and dance. Mock trial hasn't really started yet so I don't particularly have an opinion of it. I'm never at writing lub because it really kind of sucks this year. I need to go to an interact meeting to bering up the haitian thing, and i'm going to have to start tutoring for honor society soon I guess, in addition to somehow figuring out algebra 2, having never actually taken algebra 1. Yeah.

I finally got to the farm around 7:30. I didn't think I was riding because i'd heard carly was there so I was just gonna go see shadow and give snickers a light work, but she called me over while she was riding and was like, are you gonna get on? So I went and switched the tack, and the bridle I was using didn't have a curb chain and I couldn't find a running martingale so I had to use a standing but w/e. I rode :-D He was good on the flat, and jumping he was good too, but I wasn't as good as I was the other night, not by a long shot. The jumps were a LOT lower they were like 2'6" and I rode one fence like I was on snickers and he knocked a rail but it was my fault because I looked at it. Got yelled at briefly for not going all the way out into the corner after the stars but I fixed it and he said "we will play" in our lesson tomorrow. Even though I did not put in the most stellar performance I was still super happy just to be riding and jumping.

I got my jacket. WoOt. It's in the wash right now so it breaks in. Lol laur we are no longer nomads. I have to clean tomorrow before my lesson @ 3, and then i'll probably give snickers a light work, either longeing or riding depending on how my ankle is, because it hurts like hell right now, and play with shadow. Ugh. I hate the winter because my stupid joint freezes and it hurts so bad when I put weight on it as soon as I get off. Between today and then a lesson tomorrow and then tap on friday and then probably a lesson afterwards, I think it will probably fall off or something.

I think I wanna go watch the show on sunday but I dunno. I really want to show but carly is taking kid and I don't wanna take snickers, for quite obvious reasons. There is so much crap to do that I can't keep track of it all, and getting back into riding seriously is in the forefront of my mind. Like, i'm at the point where I have ZERO desire to do anything school related anymore, chorale especially. I'm seriously on the verge of quitting. I just don't know what to do. I am so worried about getting into a good college but at the same time I want the extra year. I feel totally jipped. I wish I was a sophomore instead of a junior, like I should be, damnit.


"I'll show you mine
if you show me yours first
let's compare scars
i'll tell you whose is worse
let's unwrite these pages
and replace them with our own words"

current mood: contemplative

(starving for an argument)

Sunday, November 7th, 2004
8:14 pm - Oh what can it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?
Where to even begin? lol.

Thursday night I got to the barn at like six but it felt really late so I didn't ride. Went to laur's...had a lot of fun doing nothing (hehe) and watching Shrek 2 and then fell asleeeeeep. Friday we went to Collingswood and walked around for like 2 hours, and then ordered pizza and junk before we went to the barn. (IN OUR PAJAMAS lmao) I rode w/ laur and sorta sarah since she was riding Pita but so was sue...and then sarah got on snickers and I got on pita, who was super comfy lol, and sarah experienced what can only be described as the snickers experience, where one is inclined to laugh hysterically because its that bad but its also just that much fun.

Saturday was muy interesante. Helped lauren and jamie feed in the morning. I looove feeding, I wish I lived closer to the barn so I could do it more often lol. I rode Snickers, and thanks to laur and jamie actually jumped for the first time since AUGUST! He was his normal psychotic self, of course, and then they were gettin on my case cause I did the wall but I didn't want to do it with the pole over it because Im retarded. Then we went to Rick's and I got treats even though the last thing either of my horses need is to get fatter, lol. And THENN...

I got back to the barn and rode Kid. And I loved loved loved loved LOVED him. Okay at first I totally didn't because he is friggen HUGE especially compared to my narrow little 15.2 and 16.1h horses. I seriously feel like im bowlegged walking around today because he was so much bigger than im used to lmao. Soooo neway it took me a while to get used to his stride and the first couple of fences felt a little weird because he was so steady going up to them not the usual spasticness that im used to from snickers. And thne my mom got me really pissed about not wanting to do the wall with the stupid pole which made it a whole what three inches higher? So I was like, laur watch out im gonna do the fucking jump and I did and it was like the nicest fence id had so far. And then she walks in the barn and like announces to everyone "well, she jumped the wall." lmao.

So everything was all good and happy and then riley came in and had me do this little course and it was PERFECT except that I got unseated slightly when he tripped after the last fence but it was no big deal except that it was funny like I didn't fall or nething. And I was all happy for like rest of the night (ask ne1 who talked to me after I got home, lol.) And then today when we went to give the horses their blankets after we went to ricks me my mom and riley had this lovely little talk and we decided im definetly gettind rid of snickers (he hates him, lol) and i'm going to half lease Kid for a while and then get another horse. :-D I'm happy and excited and junk. I can finally ride a normal horse and not have to deal with snickers-esque crap. Even tho I know kid probably has his own list of issues, im fairly confident that I can deal with just about anything a horse will throw at me after snickers.

Wow that was really long. And really horsey. And i'm really happy about that. lol.


"cHeEr Up SlEePy JeAn"

current mood: ecstatic

(starving for an argument)

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
3:01 pm - hold your breath because you only make things worse
I'm not going to school tomorrow hahaha.
Which means thaaaat.

a. I have five whole days to learn how to do slope
b. Mrs. Tice can get as pissed as she wants at me for not handing in my poster because I DONT CARE!!!!

I seriously almost FLIPPED OUT on her today. For like, the FIRST time ever, I didn't have my book and I went to share w/ someone and she spazzed and told me to sit at my desk with my hands folded. And then told me I was being insubordinate and definant...again. Like, she yelled at me like I was some retarded little freshman. So I sat there and did work for other classes all period, and whenever she looked at me I jsut glared at her like I DARE you to fucking say something you fat-kneed bitch.


So i'm looking forward to the weekend in a big way. I seriously need it. I need to be with friends who I haven't seen in what seems like a million trillion bazillion years. (but has really only been like a month)

Lauren we will make something better than you-know-what-it-is-thats-pissing-me-off. I don't know what but we will and it will kick ass.

I really want to not be so blah. I have to clean my room and I don't want to but its like..what? I have a floor? yeah. I also have a headache. and an insane amount of little italian bakery cookies that are probably whats making me sick. ahhhhhhhhh.

Im gonna go shop. The internet is a dangerous thing, lol.


"well thats what girls dreams are made of"

current mood: cold

(starving for an argument)

Monday, November 1st, 2004
4:37 pm - I wish I could count to ten, make everything be wonderful again...
Well, this weekend was hardly fabulous, but i'm just going to ignore it and pretend that none of it ever happened. I'm going to pretend that I did not spend it bored out of my mind and pissed off at people, and that I did NOT see the house that she expects me to live in. I'm just going to try to stay cheerful. lalala.

Not going to get into the general topic of school, seeing how that sucks as well. Ditto on horses. I had my NHS interview today. It was interesting. Me, Teri, and Rebecca all went in together, and we all got the "what would it mean to you if you were accepted" question, and we all stumbled through the answers and smiled nervously. And then vignevic decided to ask me about when I was president of the 4-H club, why it wasn't listed under community service, and what I did.
Well, I mean, I wasn't going to lie and say that we galloped across country saving people and enforcing world peace. I basically told her that the purpose of the club was to try and instill a family type thing among a super competitive group of spoiled, catty teenage girls. In those words, exactly. Yeah. Probably not the answer that they were looking for, but whatever.

Halloween candy is the root of all evil. the end.

I need to go shopping because I desperatly need more clothes.
Okay, that's a lie. But I desperatly WANT more clothes because getting new stuff always takes my mind off of the general crappiness of life sometimes.

I am excited about the weekend, and I hope that nothing screws it up. LOL Lauren don't forget if there's none left I WILL beat you up :) Maybe going to Hershey wouldn't be too bad. We could buy stuff. And ride in a little buggy thingy. And go on a trail ride omg on big fat western QHs how nice would that be?


"promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big."

current mood: blah

(starving for an argument)

Friday, October 29th, 2004
4:00 pm - watching the world fall on you i'm keeping my eyes closed
I really fucking hate my family.
So, my mom and all of my siblings are out to dinner with Ian.
I'd rather not go shopping for three weeks than go to dinner with him.
Which is why I am here, sitting in my house excercising and watching Made in icky gray sweatpants and a central sweatshirt. And drinking giner ale. blech.

Because, according to my mom, I haven't done EVERYTHING she's asked me to do all week so I can't go to lauren's/the farm. Noooooo, I don't babysit EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY until two in the morning while she goes to "work". I don't not go to meetings and leave dance/chorus/whatever else early so I can do shit for her. NO. I haven't seen my horses in I think three weeks. Not since the drill ride, when I spent those four oh so blissful days completely removed from my family and household.

So, history was tres interesante. I started crying in the middle of a discussion about humanitarianism. It's not my fault I totally wish we could all save the world. And like dave didn't KNOW he was going to upset me majorly with that one comment, which I won't even go into. I'm really fucking getting sick of people.

I have a ton of crap to do this weekend and I have noooo idea when/how i'm going to get it all done. I have to...

1. Write and record my Voice of Democracy Essay
2. Do the history study guide and somehow learn an entire chapter in two days.
3. See above, only with music theory.
4. Finish my application for Governer's School
5. Continue working on my portfolio.
6. Get to the barn, somehow.
7. Do my sociology homework, which will be pretty much impossible since I don't have my book.
8. Read The Crucible.

Yeah, i'm seeing any of that actually happening. Not.


"talking backwards to you, it meant nothing to me"

(starving for an argument)

Thursday, October 28th, 2004
3:39 pm - I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do...
I feel very unproductive. I'm sure I have homework that I should be doing but i'm not. And I know for a fact that I need to be working on my portfolios. THREE. Why are there three in mine?

I am completely addicted to magazines. This morning's purchase of the new Marie Claire was my fifth this week. I believe this is boredering on being unhealthy. Tiff came over and we did something we haven't done in like forever involving a lot of cookie dough, macaroni and cheese, frozen pizza, ice cream, and Lifetime. lol. ahhhh.

I want to go shopping. I am feeling a serious lack of fall/winter accessories.
I want to write something that will blow the judges for governer's school and davidson fellows away.
I want to see my horses, I want to RIDE my horses and enjoy myself for a change.
I want to walk up and down the ocean gate beach eating chinese food and not caring about anything with old friends who I don't even talk to anymore.
I want to be excited about this weekend being halloween.
I want to not care about all of the useless crap that I care about.
I want to paint my nails shimmery chocolate brown and not smudge them within five minutes.
I want that bone in my back to not hurt when I do crunches on the hardwood floor.
I want to not move in december.
I want to rake a huge pile of leaves and play in them while drinking hot chocolate with my friends like we're six years old again.
I want to walk into my house, no need for makeup because my skin is miraculously perfect and the fall wind is better than stilla blush, to s'mores, disney trivial pursuit, and cashmere pajamas.
I want all-day movie marathons during snow days and six different kinds of cake, baked by yours truly and her best friends.
I want apple cider from delicious orchards and a guilt-free thanksgiving with my family, the way it used to be.
I want my far cry jacket to come in. I want to make bran mash and not care that my hands are freezing because its 20 below and we're all sticking our hands in boiling water outside.
I want eight am bareback rides in the snow.
I want the nutcracker at lincoln center, 5th avenue holiday window displays, and little cafes in the village.
I want to no more high school drama, dance committees, team captain catfights, or jealousy.
I want to go ice skating in the school parking lot in the middle of the night.
I want true love, world peace, straight a's, and the perfect pair of suede knee-high boots with skinny four inch heels.
I want these to really be, as the ataris say, the best days of out lives.


"broken this fragile thing now, and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces..."

current mood: nostalgic

(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
2:48 pm - the angel's face twist my mind and leads me to despair
School is so blah. Boring and predictable and a complete and total waste of my time. I could be shopping or riding or writing a novel or something, but instead I find myself, day in and day out, walking mechanically from class to class, half-assedly doing my work and pretending to be interested in all of this crap that we do. It's so not cool.

I have a ton of homework to do. A bijillion things for music theory and the word thing for english and my history outline and junk. Plus my journal entries for english, which I haven't done in a month. Yeah. And I have to work on my portfolio, which is still seriously underdeveloped. And my Voice of Democracy essay. And my stuff for Governor's School. Add all of this to Dance Team, Dance Class, Student Congress and all the drama that comes with it, Drama, Chorale, Writing Club, and now apparently the Spirit Olympics and it is obvious why i'm in need of some serious retail therapy. Oh yeah, and horses, which is a whole other topic...

So apparently the shock thing won't work for Shadow's leg. The issue of a cast was in the air but that could end up doing more harm than help. So it looks like my baby might be confined to a stall with no turn out or handwalking or even being brought out onto the crossties for the whole winter. We have to sit down and talk to Reily and I have to get the rest of the story from my mom, who is sleeping, and, as usual, unavailable to take me to the barn. I want to at least SEE my horses, damnit.

I am off to do work. GAH.


current mood: aggravated

(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

Monday, October 25th, 2004
1:57 pm - I heart this song
Fiona Apple ~ Paper Bag~

I was staring at the sky
just looking for a star
to pray on or wish on or something like that
I was having a sweet fix
of a daydream of a boy
who's reality, I knew, was hopeless to be had
but then the dove of hope began its downward slope
and I believed for a moment
that my chances were approaching to be grabbed
but as it came down near
so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag

hunger hurts
and I want him so bad, oh it kills
cause I know i'm a mess, he don't wanna clean up
I've gotta fold cause these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts but starving works
when it costs too much to love

and I went crazy again today
looking for a strand to climb
looking for a little hope
baby said he couldn't stay
wouldn't put his lips to mine
and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said honey I don't feel so good
don't feel justified
come on put a little love here in my void
he siad it's all in your head
I said so's everthing but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man
but he was just a little boy

hunger hurts
and I want him so bad, oh it kills
cause I know i'm a mess, he don't wanna clean up
I gotta fold cause these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts but starving works
when it costs too much to love


current mood: content

(1 break the silence | starving for an argument)

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